Last words on recent BS

 I am frustrated that people forget to take into account the fact that I am diagnosed bi-polar, and a survivor of serious child abuse and neglect. In a way its flattering, because it means that people think of me as a strong, capable person who should be able to handle his shit.

Unfortunately my history of abuse specifically has left me with severe difficulty coping with, and reacting to hostility and aggression. I have two modes when faced with that kind of behavior, and they are either ‘shut down completely’ or ‘attack until the hostile party is silent, or I am emotionally exhausted’. 

I also have a problem where when I see someone else being attacked/outnumbered I am compelled to defend them, whether or not they are necessarily in the right, or worthy of defense.

Both of these reactions came into play during the moderation incident in the open chat.

What happened was this.

1. The party in question entered the chat when it was initially created.
2. Accusations and information was brought forward that said party was a toxic person who should not be allowed in chat.
3. Said person was removed from chat, with my approval.
4. Days later, several people came to me and quite civilly explained to me that said party was being unfairly discriminated against and slandered, and that the accusations against them were both untrue and years old..
5. I, not wishing to be seen as unfair to anyone, wanted to give said party another chance, and readded them. I did not add them to the protected chat associated with the open chat, and made it clear that if they displayed any anti-social behavior they were to be removed immediately.
6. And then people lost their shit. Everyone started getting aggressive, yelly, hostile, and passing accusations around.
7. Things continued to escalate. Accusations flew. No one was calm. I was unable to remain calm.
8. I was made aware that as moderator of a public chat, certain people considered me to be in charge of the safety, emotional or physical, of the members of the chat.
9. Realizing that I am not in a position to be held responsible for anyone’s safety, I ended the chat.

I would like it known that I do not support sexual abuse, or any kind of abuse.

I did not mean to trivialize any abuse that anyone else suffered. As an abuse survivor myself, my reaction is always to minimize problems, and my responses were a reaction to that.

I considered myself to be doing a good deed by letting a formerly problematic person have a second chance to socialize under supervision.

I considered the chat public, as was in its name, and as such, I did not consider it any kind of ‘safe zone’. I did not take into consideration that anyone would expect it to be one. I did not take into consideration that anyone would hold me responsible for maintaining the safety of any chat members.

Due to my abuse and disorder, I am unable to take into account my own emotional and physical safety most of the time (which is one reason I am able to run such a public blog and paint a target on myself). As such I am pretty much completely incapable of looking out for anyone elses’ safety. I did not believe when I created the chat, that I was taking on that responsibility. It was made clear that I was wrong.

Because I am unable to remain calm in the face of aggression, and because I am unable to take responsibility for the safety of others, I will not be attempting to create or moderate any kind of chat space again.

I have the entire chatlog saved, and I am happy to discuss the matter privately with anyone who wants any more information. I can be contacted by message on tumblr, or on skype at dogfishskeleton. This is the last I would like to say publicly, simply because I don’t think this incident is worth dragging on.

( @inexplicablehanyou @jarandhel @nonhumanity-and-nonsense @arealityinwhichadragon @bitcheshavebirthdays @anexpertonboredom )