Identity uncertainty/weird experiences
I don’t fully understand identity, not when it comes to gender, not when it comes to kin, not when it comes to singular/plural identities.. All I have- all we have, are a set of personal experiences, and a set of stories of other people’s experiences, and a set of words to hopefully manage to describe those experiences, or some part of them.
Sometimes someone sends me an ask, looking for a word for an experience they have that is hard to describe. A lot of times, I can reach into our wealth of collective experience and vocabulary and pull out what they’re looking for. But sometimes I can’t find a match.
Today the experience/word I can’t find a match for is one of my own.
There’s an experience I have had for many years that I don’t talk about much. Partially because it’s embarrassing, partially because it doesn’t come up much and isn’t really relevant to anything, and partially because I don’t really have words to describe it. Its really a struggle to discuss anything you don’t feel like you have the right words for.
But because I’m experiencing this thing that sometimes happens to me right now, and because finding words for things is something that has been a hot topic in the community right now, and frankly because I think it’s important for people to see that questioning your experiences and struggling to find the right words for them is okay, I’m gonna talk about this right now.
I’m Felix. I’m generally a big nerd-dude who dresses like a lazy history teacher who owns too many Invader Zim t-shirts and actively collects argyle sweaters. I love bad action/scifi genre stuff and horror. I shower with axe, use a real-hair shaving brush, wear boxers, and I Don’t Wear Dresses or Makeup. I collect Monster High dolls because they’re hot. I tell dirty jokes, collect comic books, and feel bad that I get annoyed at my girlfriend when she takes too long getting ready to leave the house. That’s me 95% of the time. I identify as a human fictionkin transman, whose past lives were Ken Ichijouji and Vriska Serket.
But sometimes there’s…. [waves hands vaguely] a different me instead of that me. But this me is… still Felix?Just a different Felix? For no real reason????
And this Felix is a frilly, pastel-cute loving, little girlish female unicorn. This Felix loves pretty dresses and makeup, and lace and frills, and wants to wear them on herself, rather than buy them for her girlfriend. This Felix wants stockings and glitter, and listens to japanese girl group j-pop, and songs from childrens 80s cartoons. This Felix wants hair down to her ankles, and owns a large collection of vintage 80s My Little Ponys. This Felix wants a room completely decorated in pink cupcake aesthetic, and to watch re-runs of the Care Bears while sitting on a bed made of plushies. And this Felix experiences herself as a female. And thinks the right body shape for herself is unicorn.
I’m like this right now, and I just… sort of don’t know what to do with this??? I don’t know what to call it. I’m still Felix.I have all the same memories (though I feel like I’m experiencing them different than I usually do). I still feel like I’m the reincarnation of Ken Ichijouji and Vriska Serket. So I’m not [waves hands] someone else. I’m not a soulbond or other kind of headmate. I can’t ‘talk’ to the other version of Felix because we’re the same person.
It’s not like the usual/male/human Felix doesn’t like most of the things I like, either– it’s not like I’m some secret emasculated part of myself. I’m man enough to have my My Little Pony collection displayed all the time, and I wouldn’t turn down watching Care Bears for hilarious nostalgia purposes. But the way I am right now it’s not like that. It’s completely different.
Right now I can’t really wrap my head around why I’ve spent money on a bunch of argyle sweaters and shaving supplies, instead of on perfume and pink plaid skirts and cosplay wigs. I literally can’t wrap my head around it. My emotions are telling me to go out and rectify this, throw out the Axe and buy something floral, but my logic and experience keeps me from doing it because I know I always switch back after a few hours/days and then I’d be really mad at myself.
And then there’s the unicorn thing. I don’t know how to explain that at all. It’s not kin as *I* experience it at any other time. I’ve never been a unicorn before in my previous lives, I just am one now??? Not physically obviously, because I have hands to type this, but also, I sure wouldn’t turn down physically? Physically feels right. Like at least an anthro unicorn??? Is this Otherhearted? Is this some kind of shift? Is it a kintype thing that I don’t understand? Is it a gender? I don’t know, I don’t get it. I don’t know what to say beyond “I’m experiencing myself as a unicorn, and even I don’t know what that means”.
And this just…. happens to me sometimes. Ever since I was a little kid. Sometimes I just randomly experience myself as a girly, sparkly, magical unicorn, instead of the man I usually am. I remember being seven and laying in bed feeling like I was a unicorn, and then the next day not feeling it at all. It happens maybe once or twice every couple of months. Sometimes it’s longer in between. I think the longest it’s been is like a year or two? Not more than that. Usually a lot less. And when it happens sometimes it’s for hours, or sometimes its days or a week. And it just happens.
It doesn’t appear to be in reaction to anything. It stress is a trigger it sure doesn’t happen every time I’m stressed, and I can’t identify what kind of stress might be making it happen. I do note that when it started this time, it was the full moon, but I have no idea if it’s usually then? It definitely doesn’t happen every month.
And I just don’t know what to call it? Is it a shift? If it’s a shift, what is causing it, because it doesn’t link to my kintypes as I understand them. Is it a common experience that I’ve just never heard of and don’t know the word for? Is it actually perfectly normal? Is this actually being otherkin and I’ve got it all wrong? Does this happen to anyone else???
I’m looking for any kind of insight on this, because it really doesn’t fit in any of the boxes that I have, and I’d like to know how to classify this experience in comparison to my other ones, and maybe figure out a little more about why it happens.
I’m tagging some people in hopes that they’ll see and have some advice/input for me, but if I tag you and you don’t know what to do with this or don’t want to answer, don’t worry I won’t be upset ^^ And of course I’d like the opinion of anyone who happens to read this and have some thoughts to share!!
(( @inexplicablehanyou @who-is-page @jarandhel @theangrylionshark @epochryphal @askatherian @seriousotherkin @asksomeotherkin @bluedragonade @youredoingkinwrong ))
Thank you to everyone who’s read this! I’m sorry it’s so long!!
